Lonely

Have you ever felt so lonely it's crushingly overwhelming? That's how I feel today.

I know I have family and friends, I'm not REALY alone. I can call and talk or visit with friends. That's not what I mean though.

I want that special someone to snuggle with, to share EVERYTHING (well, maybe not everything) with. The person whose shoulder is always there to cry on, and who will lend a sympathetic ear. The person who will rejoice in the wonderful moments with me, and hold me during the painful moments.

Now don't get me wrong. I have learned in the last 2 years that I can live on my own, I even enjoy it most of the time. I am so proud of myself for being self-sufficient. I'm not asking for another husband, not what I'm looking for right now. Who knows if I ever will?

Why is this coming up now? Well, honestly it creeps in every once in a while. But today it's because my ex's grandmother passed away and the viewing/visiting hours were today. She was a great woman and I loved her, she had been my family for more than a decade. I took the afternoon off from work to pay my respects, lend my support to my ex, ad especially my son. Knowing Will there was only so much he could handle. I didn't want the ex to have to worry about that today, and I didn't want Will forced to stay and endure what he couldn't tolerate.

I'm so glad I was able to do it, but it made me sad. I had no one to console me. I'm trying to be there for them, but there's no one special to be there for me. My ex has an ex-girlfriend and a girlfriend to take the place I used to hold in his life to console and take care of him. That's OK, I'm not saying I want or need to be that for him. I just realized he has that special someone, and that's great for him, but
I guess I'm feeling a little jealous of him. I know I shouldn't, but I'm having a moment of wanting something I don't have and won't have for the foreseeable future. I'm reminding myself that I am EXACTLY where I'm supposed to be. God has a plan for me and I WILL trust in HIM. Doesn't mean I have to like it all the time.

I really do enjoy my life and like where I am and where I'm going. But as the theme of my life goes: "I'm a work in progress" so I just keep accepting, loving, changing, and growing. Life will continue on, I'll trust in God, and follow this crazy path that I'm on living in the moment.

Good thing all my moments don't feel like this one. Namaste

Forgiveness for myself

Monday was another rough day. I, yet again, did not handle myself or Wills outbursts well. I can blame my chest cold that lingered to the 3 week mark, my sudden flair up of MS symptoms- new and some of the oldies but goodies- being tired from our trip. Yes all this has caused me to be run down and therefore having a lot less frustration and patience tolerance. However, I feel like I can only use that as an excuse and as his mom, I need to do better. Whatever is going on in my life for me CANNOT interfere with my relationship with Will. It CANNOT come into play!

At the same time, I am aware that I am only human, NOT a superhero. I am NOT perfect, I am flawed as is everyone. Therefore I need to forgive myself for not living up to my idea of the perfect parent, daughter, sister, friend. I give myself permission to be imperfect. It really is ok.

I mean, it might be different if being a parent came with an instruction manual. I sometimes (all the time) wish we did. Especially for children with special needs.

Wouldn't that be nice? Oh... Just to let you know..... Will did turn it around after Monday. We've had a great week since, although I'm not sure we will do a big overwhelming trip again any time soon. Start and remain small (for a long time) that's my motto. :~}

Forward two steps backwards one

Well, from my last post, you can tell we had a wonderful weekend, a few glitches along the way, but Will held it together very well for such a busy and overwhelming weekend. Today, he did well in the morning, had a play date with the neighbor kids. After lunch it got a little more tense. When I asked him to get his deodorant, that was our undoing.

I say our, because we both struggled. Shocked to hear me talk about my short comings? You shouldn't be, I am certainly not perfect, and I'm not afraid to admit it. I did NOT run his plan when he started struggling. He hit, I swatted his hands away, I yelled, I even swore. I'm not proud, but there it is.

We got to a point where he wouldn't stop coming after me, I sent him upstairs, he threw toys down the stairs. I went after him.....as I was lunging for him I realized I felt out of control. I wanted to hit him, like he had been hitting me. It was then that I regained control of myself with Gods help. I grabbed Will, hugged him to me tight as he fought me and started kissing him, all over his face. When he realized what I was doing he had his emotional release and just started crying.

We talked a little when he calmed down, but he's a clever boy, and likes to twist everything so it's not his fault. I was told he was hitting me out of self defense. Really? He was defending himself from deodorant? Anyway, without getting into specifics (as it would take WAY too long) we talked, we were both exhausted and he fell asleep for almost 2 hours. I woke him when his grampy came for a visit, and I'm hoping he sleeps tonight!!

Why am I sharing all this? Because I can, because other parents NEED to hear that we screw up. We make mistakes. I totally didn't run Wills plan today, for a little while, but I was able to regroup and get back on track- pretty quickly in the grand scheme of things.

Will, will be ok. He'll get through this, just as I will. Just as everyone will. We are not perfect, and that's ok. We don't need to be. We just need to be the best we can be, when we make a mistake (and we will) we need to move on and not get stuck in the blame game. It gets you NO WHERE!!

We are where we are supposed to be. There is always room to grow and be better. Give yourself a break, move on and keep striving to be better.

I am finally in a place where I accept that I'm not a perfect person, mother, daughter, sister, friend. This is ok. I'm happy with who I am. I am the best I can be, I make mistakes, I stumble, I pick myself up, grow and learn so I will be better tomorrow than I am today.

I took today's experience to show Will how we need to accept responsibility for our actions, apologize, then learn from them.

Who says parents can't admit when we are wrong? Why do I keep hearing that it's not ok to apologize to our children? I apologized for yelling, putting my hands on him in anger, and using "adult language". I feel this teaches our children that NO ONE is perfect, and no one is expected to be. But we are expected to take responsibility for our actions, and that no matter WHO we are, we are NEVER too good to apologize for bad behavior.

So yes, it may not be the most acceptable thing for a parent to do, but I do apologize to my son when it's appropriate. (and I won't apologize for it either)

A wonderful weekend

Will and I took the train down to Boston for the weekend. We left early Friday morning and arrived at 10:30 am. Will was so excited for everything.

Because Will is who he is, it was important to head down to bean town with a plan. We decided on the aquarium for Friday, the Quincy Market. The aquarium was great, they have a touch tank of rays and sharks. How cool is that! I couldn't believe how soft and velvety the rays were. However, Will was done pretty quickly. We never got to walk around the giant tank or see the other floors. What a bummer, especially after I spent all that money. (I like to get my monies worth). But, when you have a child with AD you have to be flexible and listen to your child. The verbal and non-verbal cues. All Wills cues were saying: "I'm done!". So, with that we left.

We then made our way to Quincy Market where we got lunch, and looked at a few stores. Build-A-Bear was the hit of the market. Will even got independent and wanted to go in by himself. So the nervous mommy sat outside with eyes glued on the door

We watched some of the performers in the market as well, what fun! We especially liked the balloon hat man. He was very entertaining, and Will got a great hat. (we "accidentally" left it at uncle Lazers house)

Thankfully uncle Lazer left work early and met up with us there. We had ice cream and did a little more walking before going to get the car and see aunt Meg. Uncle Lazer gave us the tour of their home, and we relaxed there, got some pizza for supper. When aunt Meg came home and we ordered a movie in pay-per-view. I LOVE the Muppets! Good times-good times.

Will went to bed very easily for being in a new place. We had a bedroom to share. My brother made a trundle bed so we would both have a place to stay. I made Will sleep on it, as I am old and sleeping so low to the ground makes a struggle to get up in the morning. ;~}. When I came back up a couple hours later Will had moved to the regular bed. I struggled in the morning. (not really that much- and VERY comfy bed!! Way to go Lazer!)

My brother made pancakes for breakfast. Will decided they were terrible (they weren't. Lazer is a great cook) after a little time we all left for the zoo. OMGoodness! So much fun. We had a few moments from Will but he really enjoyed seeing all the animals. I think the gorillas were our favorites.

We went out to lunch then back to Lazer and Meg's home. We watched another movie instead of going anywhere else.

Lazer and Meg were so awesome! They were great hosts, they were racking their brains to figure out what else we could do. They don't have kids, and they certainly don't have a child with special needs.

Will had a few rough moments throughout our stay but I was so proud of him. I hope Lazer and Meg realize they were great hosts, and that a child like Will cant have too many "big" plans. It's just too overwhelming, having a lot of down time in between is just as important, if not more important. All in all, it was perfect.

Then it was time to leave, and Will was just as excited to come home. We both slept very well last night. It's wonderful to go away sometimes, but it's just as wonderful to come home.

Quiet day today, can't handle a lot today, Will, because he's still overwhelmed from the last 2 days, me because I'm having an MS day from all the walking we did. Laying on the couch dozing is the order of the day.

Here are a few pictures from our adventures.

New perceptions

I have realized lately how negative I used to be.   Nothing ever went right for me. I had a bad marriage, I wasn't happy at work, I didn't see my friends (my husband made me feel horrible if I wanted to go out with friends-to the point that it was easier to just not go.)

See how easy it is to get trapped in these thoughts? I also was very lost in my faith. I stopped talking to GOD. I didn't stop believing exactly, I just lost my way, spent way too much time questioning rather than believing. I had turned my back on my GOD. It was a very lonely time in my life.

I knew that I had some accountability in the way my life was turning out, but everyone else got most of the blame. I mean, couldn't be me, right?

Then I had an epiphany, I decided to be positive, and I definitely became much more positive, but I still had a LONG LONG way to go. I just didn't realize it (yet).

Well, my husband left me for a 24 year old, my son fell apart and went into crisis, my mom kept getting sick, my dad was drinking heavily again, and what did I do? I held on to the anger, the hurt, and the pain.  I wrapped myself right up tight and didn't let go for anything.  I even nurtured those feelings.  I wasn't going to let go- no way, no how!  I had friends that encouraged me in their own way to keep holding onto those feelings.  I also had friends telling me to "Let go, and let GOD"  Well, how was I supposed to do that?  I was questioning my faith more than EVER.

Well, life continued on, as it usually will.  I didn't realize it at the time, but I was changing my thought processes.  I was slowly pulling away from the friends who were subtly keeping me "stuck" and finding more people coming into my life who were GOD-like.  Who openly professed their love and faith in GOD, and whose messages made sense to me for the first time in so very long.  Whose messages made me feel better about myself and changed the way I think and feel.

In an earlier post I wrote about my changes in feelings towards my husband and our divorce. It's all true, it really is.  I have been awakened to the fact that even when I thought I was a much more positive person, I still had so very far to go.  This does not mean, that I am done on my journey to self discovery and the re-awakening of my faith in GOD.  Far from it.  I feel like I have just started this journey, but I am so filled with hope, happiness and peace that I am on this path and will follow it all my life.  I will strive to constantly grow in faith, love, optimism, and joy and hope that any who are interested will join me.  If not, I will still love you, but it will be from further and further away as I continue to grow.  I will not and can not let anyone stop me from my life.

This also does not mean that there won't be more posts where I need to vent, I mean hey, I'm only human and venting really helps me process my feelings and thoughts.  I hope you will understand.

I had to add this picture, owls remind me of my grandmother, one of the best women I've ever had the honor of knowing.  Her faith, love and joy were endless.

How can you not have faith in GOD, when HE gives us such beauty?

This is so true for everyone.  I am trying to live by this every day.

Again, from earlier posts, you might have heard that I've been sick for the last 2 weeks, and that I might not like being sick.  This is true, but I have come to think of it in a different way:  Every time I seem to get really sick, it is right around the time that my spirituality, faith, perceptions have changed and/or grown.  I have come to think of these episodes of being sick as a way of my body purging all the negativity from my body.  I'm getting the germs and "lack of" out of my body.  The lack of faith, love, joy, letting go of negative feelings and emotions.  So as much as I hate the feeling of being sick----I'm so excited at how amazing I will feel when I am "better".

Still sick a week later

Alright, this is so not funny. I know I haven't mentioned it, but I really hate being sick. My chest feels like its being stabbed every time I cough. I even get coughing so hard I throw up. Yuck.

My weekend is coming to a close (I have Fridays and Saturday's off, although my boss now has me working a couple of hours every Friday morning) I have to say, for being so sick it's been pretty good.

Will and I have had our moments, I'm not as patient and calm when I'm sick. (have I mentioned I hate being sick and I feel miserable yet?). However, Will came with me to run my work errands Friday am, and he even reluctantly had a sleep over at Granny and Papas so I could get some sleep. He ended up having a great time playing Legos, pool, darts and soccer.

Today we went to Jerry's Rocks and Gems to dig in the sand box. This is very cool if you have a child who likes sand, and rocks. They let you fill up a bag (sm bag, but you can get a lot in there) for $5. Jerry will even sort and label everything you find. We got everything from amethyst, to garnet, to quartz, to fossils and everything in between. It's such a cool place to visit and explore.

I have to say, I was hoping for someone to bring me some soup. (it was offered on a night I had to work late, hey- you could have brought it anytime in the last 3 nights I was home! I'm still sick). Ah well, my energy is super low, even with the extra sleep last night. I can't wait for Will to go to bed tonight so I can follow. Is that wrong of me? I have a very low supply of patience, creativity, interest, and energy right now. I wish it was different, but "it is what it is" and I can't change it in the moment. I really hate being sick---just in case you were wondering. Hope I'm feeling better soon, for my sake and Wills. Toodles

Head cold and chest cold

Let's begin with the fact that I hate being sick. I know, I know, don't we all? Let me also say that when I am seriously ill I am a pretty great patient if I do say so myself.

Now I have to tell you that when I have a cold- such as the head AND chest cold I appear to have now- I'm terrible. I want someone to take care of me. I whine like a little baby and don't want to do anything else. I want you to feel bad for me. I want you to offer to get me things. Of course I won't take you up on this, but I want you to offer.

I love Will more than life itself, but when I'm sick, I don't want to even think about expending the energy needed to run his plan and keeping him on track. I'd much rather let him play on the wii or computer to his hearts content. Does this make me a bad parent? Maybe, and I'm sure I'll feel guilty when I'm feeling better. For now, let him play and I'll worry about the consequences in a few days. (if I live that long)

Have I told you yet how miserable I feel? Do you feel sorry for me yet? Will you get me a coffee and tell Henry I said hi? Yeah, that's ok. It would probably freak him out if you did. Seriously though, I like iced coffee- cream and sugar. ;)

Feeling under the weather

When I told Jason my clients were not coming home till this afternoon, I gave him the option of coming and getting Will at his normal time he opted to come later. He then decided he wouldn't come until 12:30. I was told to email him if the time needed to change as he would be with his girlfriend.

I woke feeling pretty crappy. My chest hurt and I have a cough. My head hurts- headache, sinuses, and my eyes are so itchy and watery (to the point that my right tear duct was so inflamed it was taking up almost 1/2 my eye- not the most attractive look).

Now anyone who knows me, knows that I love spending time with Will. I am so jealous of the time we have together, I have been known to pass up MANY opportunities for myself. It really says a lot when I send an email saying Jason needs to come over at 10:30.

Jason didn't get the message in time to get there for 10:30, but he did get to the house for 11. This meant I could go to DD for a coffee and go my clients house and sleep for a little. What a wonderful Easter present to myself. I love Will, I love spending time with him, but I feel a little miserable and resting is what I need. NOT running the plan.

The best part? My client came home and she let me continue to rest, as she's so capable of doing her stuff on her own. Sometimes I really LOVE my job! How many other people can say that they can go to work and lay down during the day?

Happy Easter to myself and all.

Tingles

Wow. I can't remember the last time I felt like this. I am daydreaming half the time when not forced to concentrate on Will or work.

Nothing has happened, all I've done is flirt when I go in for coffee. (Although I've bought a LOT more coffee than I normally would). I have not "put myself out there" as far as dating. Partly because I didn't feel it was right as I'm still married, even if it's only on paper. But I think the most important reason was I deserved to take the time to process everything that was going on with the separation, my son, my parents, my work. I also deserved to take the time to find me. I've been the model staff, daughter, sister, mother, wife and friend for so long I had lost Emily. If I was ever questioning the validity of that, I had an amazing friend to let me know I was not the same person I had been.

Now, I don't mean that she expected me to be the exact person I was in high school and college, but that I had lost such a big part of what made me me over the years.

I have spent the last 2 years sad, angry, lonely, happy, scared, tired, depressed and terrified.

I have also worked hard to find my own way. I have learned that it's ok to not have the answers, it's ok to be scared and any and all feelings. But the most important thing I've learned so far is that I'm enough, I am ok, I WILL be ok. I can be a mom, daughter, sister, staff, friend, and still be ME.

I feel like I am finally read to "put myself out there". If I find someone great! If I don't, that's ok too. I've learned I can be by myself and there's a kind of freedom and ease knowing I can be happy without someone else.

I have to say, I'm enjoying these "tingly" feelings. I feel ready to be out there. It's scary, but exciting.

I've taken the time I needed for myself. I don't feel like I NEED anyone, but I'd like to have someone. I am not looking for a serious relationship, but I'm open to one developing.

I am right where I should be. I am blessed. (Let's hope he asks me out or I get the courage to ask him out? It's been almost 18 years since I've had a date. I wonder what's changed, what's proper etiquette?)

Wish me luck!! I like the tinglies!