Happy Thoughts

Every night since Will came home from Spring Harbor I have continued with part of his nightly routine of saying three happy thoughts.... This was part of a longer routine which served him well in the hospital but not at home. I decided not to make an issue of it as he stopped doing the other parts of the routine, I mean why temp a melt down when he's happy and calm otherwise rot before bed right? (Pick your battles....isn't this something every parent instinctively knows or quickly learns?)

Anyway, the happy thought I persisted with for a couple of reasons: 1. He suffers from depression and I think it's important for everyone to end the day on a happy note with happy thoughts in their heads A they drift off to sleep. 2. It has brought us closer than before...I give him a hard time about his happy thoughts sometimes and mix up the order to make him giggle and share more of his day. 3. It reminds him (and me) that there is always something to be happy about even after a hard day. 4. They make me happy too....

There are days (more than I would like) where he can't/won't share any happy thoughts. These days make me a little sad, but on those days I tell my own happy thoughts to him so he can share in mine when he doesn't have his own. His dad doesn't maintain this part of his routine so I now call home on the nights that I work to ask him. Will has had a few days where he has really struggled with his dad lately. On these days he either refuses to talk to me or will only say "My happy thoughts are I hate myself, I hate myself and I hate myself." I think this would break any mothers heart to hear this from their child, and I am no exception.

For the last two nights his happy thoughts have been: 1. I love granny 2. I love dad 3. I love mommy. Now, I know I should be very happy about this....I should. However, I find myself very jealous that dad gets the number 2 spot two nights in a row. I want to be at least number 2 since granny has stolen the number 1 spot for the last several weeks right out from under me! I'm glad his relationship with his dad is better than it was, and I hope it continues to get better or at least is maintained. There is a little part of me (ok, a big part) that wants to be his favorite, that wants him to recognize that I am the better parent, the more involved parent, the more informed and therefore all round best parent he has. Now I don't say or do anything to or in front of Will to make him realize that I have these thoughts, but they are there....and I feel a little guilty that 2 days out of many weeks his dad actually makes the list at all and it makes me mad. There it is....does it make me a bad parent to feel this way? I don't think so, it makes me human....

(As long as I am number 1 or at least higher that dad for the rest of Wills life.....just kidding....sort of)