Today started like most days of this holiday vacation. Finding Will with smiles on his face, happily playing Minecraft on his laptop. He ate breakfast (chocolate chip pancakes) took a shower and settled in for a quiet day of no demands and a lot of fun.
However, he had staff today, which means demands were placed, performance was not optional. While there were not a lot of demands, it seemed like between poor sleep and the overload of Christmas it was too much for my sweet boy. It was NOT a good day. He was grumpy and non compliant off and on. He got physically aggressive towards me three times, and several times told me he hated himself, he didn't deserve to have me as a mommy, he didn't want to live.
It doesn't help that I was so exhausted from all my shoveling yesterday that patience, understanding, and compassion were all in short supply. I even resorted to crying to get Will to stop hitting me at one point because I know that it will shock him out of his aggressive behavior.
When we got to the end of the day and I let him know I wasn't happy he had ripped up my iPad case (just the edge and it is more of a subconscious sensory thing- not an angry aggressive action). He followed me into the kitchen yelling " I don't deserve to live! Just kill me! Please kill me!" He walked over to the knives and grabbed one and pointed it at his throat.
I admit I didn't react as I should have......that's when I screamed at him that he is NEVER to do that again. I was able to calm, and tell him how important he is. He told me he was stupid. I told him he WASN'T, but that he did and would do stupid things in his life, it's called being a kid, being human. We all have been there as we are finding our way in the world. No one is perfect, we all make mistakes, it's what we do after that matters, how we deal and learn from those mistakes. Life is boring when everything and everyone is perfect. Mistakes make it interesting, and they don't mean you deserve to be loved any less.
Sometimes it just means you need an extra hug and a little extra support.....<3<3<3
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