We have had our ups and downs that's for sure, but through it all we have each other...and that's all that really matters!
Peace and blessings to you in this New Year! <3
Monday, December 31, 2012
Year in review
From tears to laughter, Spring Harbor to Boston trips, zoos to swimming at the beach, IBC rootbeer to apple picking, family to decorating the tree, backyard fun to sledding this has been anything but a dull year.
We have had our ups and downs that's for sure, but through it all we have each other...and that's all that really matters!
Peace and blessings to you in this New Year! <3
We have had our ups and downs that's for sure, but through it all we have each other...and that's all that really matters!
Peace and blessings to you in this New Year! <3
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Another day, another meltdown
This morning started out fine... smiles, laughter and minecraft. We took a quick drive over to Target as I needed real snow boots and we needed that locked box for the knives. Will got very upset I wouldn't let him sit in the car while I ran into the store. Stating that "dad lets me sit in the car". Well, I'm NOT his dad, I'm a little more overprotective, and he has not proven himself to be in the right frame of mind anyway to be unsupervised.
So this was the first crack in Wills tolerance levels. He did pretty well, we came home and he continued to do well. Every time he showed any sign of cracks I would become the kissing and tickling monster until he was laughing/squealing/yelling UNCLE!
It all went pear shaped when Tim (his staff) showed up to work with him. While trying to come up with a schedule and pick which chores he was to do Will started yelling at both of us stating that he didn't need to be told which chores he had to do because he did them EVERY Saturday and a 5 year old could remember!
Out came the kissing monster, when the giggling subsided we reminded him his first chore needed to be finished before his grampy came over to play. He yelled at us demanding we tell him which chores he needed to do because he can't remember (are you as confused as I am over that?). I calmly reminded him- he came at me and started swinging both fists yelling. Then he walked into the kitchen looking for the locked box while drawing his finger across his neck several times.
I'm pretty sure it was all for the reactions and hoping we would back off any and all expectations we had for him. He attacked me a few more times, went after Tim once, then back to me. When I told him grampy wouldn't be able to stay and play if he couldn't get his chore done AND be in control of himself and his actions. He stomped his way upstairs screaming all the way. He kicked us out of his room and demanded we come downstairs to give him some alone time.
Tina and I spent 15 minutes listening to Will scream upstairs. At first it was directed at us but quickly changed to Will swearing up a blue streak and calling himself some truly horrible things.
It breaks my heart hearing him talk that way about himself. Whatever the reason, I never want to hear that language coming out of his mouth- especially directed toward himself.
He was mostly calm after that, played with Tim and grampy for a while, had dinner and went to bed an hour early. I hope he sleeps throughout the night. He desperately needs the sleep.
But before walking upstairs he told me he was a very special person. I agreed, he asked if I wanted to know why, I said yes. He then told me he was special because he was half boy and half girl. (Top half is a girl and bottom half is a boy) I'll be honest, I don't know what to say to that. I agreed that he was special and that it certainly made him unique. We went upstairs he have me his happy thought s and we read for a while before he went to sleep. I'm hoping tomorrow will be better for Will with daddy.
What must it be like to live inside his world.......
So this was the first crack in Wills tolerance levels. He did pretty well, we came home and he continued to do well. Every time he showed any sign of cracks I would become the kissing and tickling monster until he was laughing/squealing/yelling UNCLE!
It all went pear shaped when Tim (his staff) showed up to work with him. While trying to come up with a schedule and pick which chores he was to do Will started yelling at both of us stating that he didn't need to be told which chores he had to do because he did them EVERY Saturday and a 5 year old could remember!
Out came the kissing monster, when the giggling subsided we reminded him his first chore needed to be finished before his grampy came over to play. He yelled at us demanding we tell him which chores he needed to do because he can't remember (are you as confused as I am over that?). I calmly reminded him- he came at me and started swinging both fists yelling. Then he walked into the kitchen looking for the locked box while drawing his finger across his neck several times.
I'm pretty sure it was all for the reactions and hoping we would back off any and all expectations we had for him. He attacked me a few more times, went after Tim once, then back to me. When I told him grampy wouldn't be able to stay and play if he couldn't get his chore done AND be in control of himself and his actions. He stomped his way upstairs screaming all the way. He kicked us out of his room and demanded we come downstairs to give him some alone time.
Tina and I spent 15 minutes listening to Will scream upstairs. At first it was directed at us but quickly changed to Will swearing up a blue streak and calling himself some truly horrible things.
It breaks my heart hearing him talk that way about himself. Whatever the reason, I never want to hear that language coming out of his mouth- especially directed toward himself.
He was mostly calm after that, played with Tim and grampy for a while, had dinner and went to bed an hour early. I hope he sleeps throughout the night. He desperately needs the sleep.
But before walking upstairs he told me he was a very special person. I agreed, he asked if I wanted to know why, I said yes. He then told me he was special because he was half boy and half girl. (Top half is a girl and bottom half is a boy) I'll be honest, I don't know what to say to that. I agreed that he was special and that it certainly made him unique. We went upstairs he have me his happy thought s and we read for a while before he went to sleep. I'm hoping tomorrow will be better for Will with daddy.
What must it be like to live inside his world.......
Friday, December 28, 2012
He told me he was stupid....
I am exhausted........
Today started like most days of this holiday vacation. Finding Will with smiles on his face, happily playing Minecraft on his laptop. He ate breakfast (chocolate chip pancakes) took a shower and settled in for a quiet day of no demands and a lot of fun.
However, he had staff today, which means demands were placed, performance was not optional. While there were not a lot of demands, it seemed like between poor sleep and the overload of Christmas it was too much for my sweet boy. It was NOT a good day. He was grumpy and non compliant off and on. He got physically aggressive towards me three times, and several times told me he hated himself, he didn't deserve to have me as a mommy, he didn't want to live.
It doesn't help that I was so exhausted from all my shoveling yesterday that patience, understanding, and compassion were all in short supply. I even resorted to crying to get Will to stop hitting me at one point because I know that it will shock him out of his aggressive behavior.
When we got to the end of the day and I let him know I wasn't happy he had ripped up my iPad case (just the edge and it is more of a subconscious sensory thing- not an angry aggressive action). He followed me into the kitchen yelling " I don't deserve to live! Just kill me! Please kill me!" He walked over to the knives and grabbed one and pointed it at his throat.
I admit I didn't react as I should have......that's when I screamed at him that he is NEVER to do that again. I was able to calm, and tell him how important he is. He told me he was stupid. I told him he WASN'T, but that he did and would do stupid things in his life, it's called being a kid, being human. We all have been there as we are finding our way in the world. No one is perfect, we all make mistakes, it's what we do after that matters, how we deal and learn from those mistakes. Life is boring when everything and everyone is perfect. Mistakes make it interesting, and they don't mean you deserve to be loved any less.
Sometimes it just means you need an extra hug and a little extra support.....<3<3<3
Today started like most days of this holiday vacation. Finding Will with smiles on his face, happily playing Minecraft on his laptop. He ate breakfast (chocolate chip pancakes) took a shower and settled in for a quiet day of no demands and a lot of fun.
However, he had staff today, which means demands were placed, performance was not optional. While there were not a lot of demands, it seemed like between poor sleep and the overload of Christmas it was too much for my sweet boy. It was NOT a good day. He was grumpy and non compliant off and on. He got physically aggressive towards me three times, and several times told me he hated himself, he didn't deserve to have me as a mommy, he didn't want to live.
It doesn't help that I was so exhausted from all my shoveling yesterday that patience, understanding, and compassion were all in short supply. I even resorted to crying to get Will to stop hitting me at one point because I know that it will shock him out of his aggressive behavior.
When we got to the end of the day and I let him know I wasn't happy he had ripped up my iPad case (just the edge and it is more of a subconscious sensory thing- not an angry aggressive action). He followed me into the kitchen yelling " I don't deserve to live! Just kill me! Please kill me!" He walked over to the knives and grabbed one and pointed it at his throat.
I admit I didn't react as I should have......that's when I screamed at him that he is NEVER to do that again. I was able to calm, and tell him how important he is. He told me he was stupid. I told him he WASN'T, but that he did and would do stupid things in his life, it's called being a kid, being human. We all have been there as we are finding our way in the world. No one is perfect, we all make mistakes, it's what we do after that matters, how we deal and learn from those mistakes. Life is boring when everything and everyone is perfect. Mistakes make it interesting, and they don't mean you deserve to be loved any less.
Sometimes it just means you need an extra hug and a little extra support.....<3<3<3
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
A master craftsman in the making
I drove Will out to my parents home last night for Christmas Eve. (This is when my family traditionally gets together to celebrate together). I had to run to work, but my father grabbed me before I pulled out of the driveway. He asked me if I could look at the toolbox he was putting together for Will. I did veto a knife an hacksaw, but saw nothing else inappropriate for him. I was a little puzzled by the idea of Will getting the toolbox. I assumed that Will wouldn't like it or be ambivalent about it. I tried to prepare my dad (it was obvious he was excited about this gift an I didn't want him to be too disappointed when he didn't get the reaction he was hoping for.) for a less than thrilled reaction.
Turns out Will had asked for a tool box - he just didn't know he'd be getting it for Christmas. After I got out of work I picked Will up and brought him home. He told me all about Christmas at granny and papas. He was talking a mile a minute...I asked about the tool box, and he told me how cool it was and then said he wished he had asked papa for some scrap wood to go with it to start building his own creations, but that he was excited to be able to help me fix things around the house.
Well, today after we had our Christmas morning I went down to the basement ad grabbed a couple pieces of of wood for him to learn how to hammer a nail. His face lit up. I showed him what to do, with his tongue stuck out of the corner of his mouth (he was concentrating very hard) he hammered in 3 nails all by himself. Then he wrote his name on the wood and declared it was the new sign for over his bedroom door. So that is where it resides in all it's glory. He turned to me after and said he thinks he might be a master craftsmen by the time he's 12.
This is autism.....but more importantly....this is my son and the light of my life. (No fingers were hurt in the making of this sign)
Turns out Will had asked for a tool box - he just didn't know he'd be getting it for Christmas. After I got out of work I picked Will up and brought him home. He told me all about Christmas at granny and papas. He was talking a mile a minute...I asked about the tool box, and he told me how cool it was and then said he wished he had asked papa for some scrap wood to go with it to start building his own creations, but that he was excited to be able to help me fix things around the house.
Well, today after we had our Christmas morning I went down to the basement ad grabbed a couple pieces of of wood for him to learn how to hammer a nail. His face lit up. I showed him what to do, with his tongue stuck out of the corner of his mouth (he was concentrating very hard) he hammered in 3 nails all by himself. Then he wrote his name on the wood and declared it was the new sign for over his bedroom door. So that is where it resides in all it's glory. He turned to me after and said he thinks he might be a master craftsmen by the time he's 12.
This is autism.....but more importantly....this is my son and the light of my life. (No fingers were hurt in the making of this sign)
What a wonderful Christmas
Even though I had to work last night while my family had their Christmas Eve together....family, fun, laughter, love (and Wills favorite....presents). Even though I am at work now and have been since noon today (at a new house- and certainly not a favorite one). Even though Will threw up last night and had diarrhea last night and this morning.....
This has been a wonderful Christmas. My son earned money and bought me a present for the first time ever, my family was more generous than I deserve, I watched my so write a note to Santa last night that asked for his granny's back to be better and the excitement in his eyes when he came down the stairs and saw that Santa HAD come, brought presents, filled his stocking, eaten the cookies, drank the nog, and left him a note in return. All these things make this the best Christmas EVER!!! Just like Will said- this Christmas is OUT OF THIS WORLD!!!
I don't need things to be perfect, or even close....all I need isn't family and friends to know that I love and treasure them all year long. Will, my family and my friends are what makes Christmas wonderful- whether we are together or apart...you all have a very special place in my heart. I love you all and feel very blessed tonight.
This has been a wonderful Christmas. My son earned money and bought me a present for the first time ever, my family was more generous than I deserve, I watched my so write a note to Santa last night that asked for his granny's back to be better and the excitement in his eyes when he came down the stairs and saw that Santa HAD come, brought presents, filled his stocking, eaten the cookies, drank the nog, and left him a note in return. All these things make this the best Christmas EVER!!! Just like Will said- this Christmas is OUT OF THIS WORLD!!!
I don't need things to be perfect, or even close....all I need isn't family and friends to know that I love and treasure them all year long. Will, my family and my friends are what makes Christmas wonderful- whether we are together or apart...you all have a very special place in my heart. I love you all and feel very blessed tonight.
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