My heart is heavy today

We have had a very hard week here on our jaunt...it started with probably the worst melt down in Wills history. He was to the point where I asked staff to call the police while we were at the mall. 

From there it got marginally better, but still a bad week. He had another melt down the next day, had a VERY quiet weekend at home, then Monday he bolted from the bus line refusing to come home on the bus. He hid (and well enough that the teachers jumped in cars and drove through the neighborhood)in the bushes. When he got home he had another difficult time. 

Today I took him to the psychiatrist office for a med review.  It was decided to try to up his risperidone. We will see if that helps. His dad brought up a question that I had which is:  do we have staff too many days?  Is it too much for him?  I just don't know. They are there to support him and give him the skills he needs, but is it too much all at once?  He has services 6 days a week. He has section 65 three days a week. This is the behavioral services to help with the aggression and learning to use his coping skills.  Then we have section 28 specialized coming 3 days a week as well. They help with coping skills, but are more about helping Will learn the life skills  he needs to survive in the world, such as: tying shoes, blowing nose, healthy food choices, safety in the community, learning and performing chores around the house (making bed, folding and putting away clothes, unloading dishwasher, etc...)

All of these things are so important for him. He needs all of these things...but is it too much?  Do we need to back off? Is this a case of less is more?  I don't know. All I know is that Will is REALLY having a hard time and showing many unsafe behaviors, and he has been talking about suicide more often as well. 

I feel like my heart is breaking because I am his mom. It's my job to fix this.  It's my job to support him and help him find his way, but I feel like lately I've been failing him miserably. 

I know I'm doing the best I can, but what do you do when you feel like your best isn't good enough?  What do you do when you don't have the answers to the important questions that need to be answered?

The first picture is of Wills apology letter to the school staff for running off. The second is his list of reasons why he hates riding the bus.  The third is what he wrote about me last Friday when I didn't let him do what he wanted to do.  The last is of Will relaxing on Saturday. He does great when he has no demands and can choose his activities.....