It is well it my soul

Will and I have had a pretty rough year.  In fact, since March things have gotten really tough and extremely scary for me.  We have had more involvement with the police then I even thought possible.  2 assault charges on my sweet, not so little 11 year old child. A trip to the emergency psychiatric ward of the local hospital for observation, and denied services from the state because we clearly can handle the situation ourselves............
On top of all this, I have had many other issues come up in my life- car, financial, relationship, etc....the list goes on and on and on.  I was hanging by a thread trying to fight for my son, trying to fight for my clients, trying to pretend like everything was fine when it was in tatters on the ground around me and I felt abandoned and alone.  (Only because I'm stubborn and don't ask for help, not because I don't have family and friends who love me....just to be clear.)
Last week I packed up for a week at camp.  Empire Grove.  I have been going to this camp for 35 years.  I have not missed a camp meeting.  However, this year felt different as I was packing, as happy as I was to be going back, I was also angry and frustrated that we were going.  Will was SUPPOSED to be in a temporary out of home placement.  An intensive 2 month program where his dad and I were to be intensely involved to give him the help he so desperately needs. 

So off we went to camp, I brought everything into the camp, unpacked, opened the windows and settled in fully expecting to pack up at any given moment and head home because Will couldn't handle being there for whatever reason.  I spent the first 24 hours on edge...but gradually the peace of the grove seeped into my soul and I relaxed.  The theme of the week was wellness.  Wellness of our mind, body and soul.  Who needed that more that me?  Or Will?

First I would like to address the one negative moment in our week- it was a doozey.   Staff showed up Wednesday for his second shift at camp.  Will was a little on edge, but I decided to listen to the staff supervisor and let staff handle Will.  I went back to the carnival for a few minutes.  However, I was put in jail while there by a precocious little 4 year old boy.  While serving my time ( a whole 5 minutes) I received a call asking me to come back to the camp.  Staff had some scratches, Will was screaming and out of control, and I arrived just in time to step between the two as Will lifted a cast iron door stopper and threw it at staff.  It quickly de escalated after that.  He apologized for his behavior,  he listened, and had a great day for the rest of the day. 

Now, I have to get into the wonderful parts of the week.....as angry and frustrated as I was, I must agree that hindsight is 20/20.  While I sometimes have a hard time believing,  in this instance I wholeheartedly believe that thing have worked out as they were meant to have.  While I railed against God, and questioned Him.  While I doubted and turned my back......He was taking care of us and doing what was needed to be done.

Will is now 12 years old, he has been attending Campmeeting at the Grove since he was 1 week old.  This year while at the Range Pond picnic he played with the other boys from the camp for over an hour.  This may not sound like much to most, but to this mom who has watched him try to play with the other boys for years and be rejected time and time again, until he eventually stopped trying......it was so huge.  I stood on the beach and cried, my heart was full.  THIS is why we were supposed to be here.......

That night, after I attended vesper services I came back to the camp only to be led inside with my eyes closed.  I was told there was a surprise waiting for me.  With no small amount of worry, I let Will lead me into the camp, I opened my eyes to a beautiful note and a sandwich he made me on his own, for no other reason than to thank me for being a wonderful parent.  THIS is why we were supposed to be here........ 

Will wanted to go on the hayride, we went on one, and when we discovered it was not the "scary senior youth ride" I was told in no uncertain terms that he was going on it with HIS FRIENDS, and I could go back to camp.  THIS is why we were supposed to be here......

And towards the end of the week when he showed me a note he got from some of the other senior youth kids telling him he was the coolest kid at the Grove, they were glad he was in work group with them, and that he played with them at the pond.....the look of joy and acceptance on his face........THIS IS WHY WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE HERE...........

As for me, I was able to nurture my body, mind and soul throughout the week through friendship, communion, worship, walking, laughter, good food, rest and song..........I am now ready to continue my journey fighting for Will and his needs, we are in the process of reapplying, I am hoping to hear in the next day or two if he was approved.....fingers crossed.......

In the meantime. .....it is well, it is well, it is well with my soul.

Portion control...will it ever NOT be a struggle?

I have always struggled with my weight, for as long as I can remember.  I never wanted that for my child, and yet I find myself not only with a child who has developmental disabilities,  and gender identity struggles, but also weight issues as well. 

Part of the problem  is medication, part is just a natural predisposition for carb craving,  and body type thanks to both his parents. He also has low muscle tone and low to no motivation to be active which does not help! 

We are slowly working on healthier choices and it is going well, but portion sizes continues to be a huge problem. And not with just the food itself. It's also with the the condiments. A lot just gets wasted too. He is eating me out of house and home!  It is a constant struggle,  because all he wants to do is argue...and let me tell you, he is great at debating (something he gets from his father).  Everyone is having a hard time keeping him on track, from his staff to his father to me.

So today I took back the power. I spent my morning portion in out EVERYTHING. Ketchup to honey mustard sauce, Italian dressing, to French fries and chicken nuggets. So for now, there is no debate, there is no room for wiggling,  there is NO confusion.....this is what you get.  Period.

It may be more work for me now, but it's less arguing for me later, it's less arguing for staff, and dad.... and I've taken back control.  How do you handle portion control problems in your home?

Haircuts....quite the controversy

My son Will came to me asking for a haircut. He was very specific in what he wanted. (It's NOT a look I like for him)

I think it's kind of silly, and wouldn't loom great on him. However, it's hair.....it grows out right?  What's the problem with letting him get the haircut of his choice?  

This has brought out some passionate responses in my family and friends. Some are all for it, while others are adamantly against it.   Some feel that he can start making some self expression choices at 11&1/2 and if he looks silly he will learn to make a different choice, hair can be shaved off and hats are available. Others have expressed that he is already seen as different so why exacerbate that and call more negative attention to him?  

Who's right?  Who's wrong?  I'm not sure there is a right or wrong, I think every parent needs to make their own decision based on what feels right to them. I think everyone who weighed in on the conversation has Wills best interests at heart and just want to see him safe and happy (and not a target for cruel remarks). 

What was my choice?  Well, I was kind of split down the middle, being able to see and relate to both sides. What I ended up doing was having a few conversations with Will about his choice. We talked about hair styles not fitting everyone. People have different hair types (his is like mine- thin and fine). We talked about the stylist knowing more about what will work and what won't and discussing it with her. Will was very open to these discussions and did a fantastic job listening and agreeing to all this. 

When there we showed the stylist the picture above and discussed modifications. We went with a similar cut, a little longer on the sides and quite a bit shorter on top so he can more easily style it when he wants...and if he decides not to, it still looks good.   Well, we think so.   So I guess my choice was to have a little control over the decision, but to let Will be Will and express himself. 

I try to always ask myself in these situations: Will it hurt anyone?  If the answer is no, and it makes Will happy, I don't see the harm (most of the time).  He is pretty secure in himself and who he is when it comes to these things, and doesn't appear to look for outside validation. If he hung the moon on what everyone else thought of him would I make different decisions?  I don't know... I have to start letting him do his own thing sometime right?  

Baby steps....

Before...

After...

Promises.....

Life evolves, things change....sometimes promises made cannot be kept forever, sometimes they evolve. 

I wear my heart on my sleeve, I take people as they are, and put my complete trust in everyone until they break that trust. 

When I make a promise, I do everything in my power to follow through and make good on my promise. When someone makes a promise to me, I trust they will do everything in their power to follow through on their promise to me. 

I know it's naive of me to be so trusting and so disappointed when they don't keep their promise.....

I will probably always be like this, I make no apologies. I am that woman who will:

Fall too fast

Crash too hard

Care too much

Forgive too easy

Wait too long

Miss people I shouldn't

Worry over nothing

Over-think everything

Be too complicated to be loved

However, don't think that so many broken promises, lies and thoughtless comments and acts will be forgotten. 

I am a lot of things, and far from perfect, but I am worth so much more than I have been treated by some. If people can't respect me, follow through and be honest that's on you...but don't expect me to continue to accept it. Expect things to change....at least in my end, because I may not be perfect, but I'm perfect for someone and someday I will find him. Until then, I am changing myself. I'm changing what I will accept into my life. I am changing what is acceptable treatment of me. 

Because I am worth more than you will ever realize. 

Just some inspirational quotes

I'm not perfect, but here are a few of the quotes I try to remind myself of....I hope you enjoy:

Number 2 is what I spoke about in my last post!!!  See?  It isn't just me who feels this is true, and there are way too many people who don't live by this...again, I'm not perfect and have to remind myself of this from time to time. 

This is just a "pick me up" kind of picture

And this just makes me happy, now who will sing this to me?

Do I give up?

This blog was supposed to be a safe place for me to write about my life, out journey with autism, my MS, and life after marriage. Granted it is mostly about my son, but not always. I also liked the idea of other people who might relate to any or all of the aspects of life my son and I live with. 

What I didn't expect (maybe I should have) was that my ex would feel the need to "check up on me" and read what's not intended for him. This is my blog, I express my feelings here as my thoughts. It's a way to express myself and maybe have someone read my writings and understand, and feel like they are not alone in feeling similar to me. 

I write sometimes when I'm upset, so, I write when my feelings are strong and raw. Does this mean that everything is exactly as I write it?  Could my feelings be coloring my words?  Could there be another side to the story?  Absolutely!

I strongly agree with the saying:  your opinion of me is none of my business. 

I know not everyone feels that way, but I try to live my life with that thought in the back of my mind and remind myself of it, when I start worrying about what someone else thinks of myself. 

The person I referenced in my last post DID in fact apologize for getting upset about the piece of cardboard (after I had written the post). Just because I don't agree with certain ideas, beliefs, practices of others doesn't mean that they are bad people in my opinion, it doesn't mean they are a bad influence.  I might not like what you choose to teach, do, live but one thing does not make me hate someone, think that that one thing makes up the entire person. We all have strengths, weaknesses, good and bad. 

I might not agree with something you do, but that doesn't mean I don't applaud all the great things you do do. I think we are all human beings who do the best we can. Do I always write about that?  No, I don't.  But this is my personal blog and I should be able to safely vent with the understanding from all who read this that the intention is to speak about my feelings, while giving me the right to feel them without judgement, and it's how I feel in the moment, knowing there is always more to the story, and other sides.  How I feel today isn't necessarily how I will feel tomorrow. 

So, now I'm left with the dilemma: do I make this a private blog only for me and possibly a select few?  Or do I ignore the fall out of people being upset over possibly fleeting feelings that quite possibly aren't their business but they make it such?  This blog was never intended to hurt anyone, it is for me to express myself and possibly reach others going through similar things and help them know they aren't alone.....

Fighting over cardboard? No thanks

I know I haven't written in a while, life got in the way. I think I'm ok with that. I'd much rather be living life than just writing about it. 

During that time, Will enjoyed a full week of camp, went to Boston to visit his aunt and uncle- saw an amazing show, Eill was sick during the show and handled it all beautifully.  Then we transitioned into Middle School which went better than I could have dreamed, including going to a leadership camp with his 6th grade class and staying the whole time. 4 days and 3 nights. I think this needs to be repeated...he stayed the ENTIRE time!!!  Oh how my boy has grown. That's not to say that we haven't had our harder times because we have. I just choose to dwell on the positive. I need a lot of positive right now. 

Anyway, to get back to the title...I find that everywhere I turn I am surrounded by people who are happy to live with the "not my problem" "not my job" attitude.  It seems as if people feel a sense of entitlement that someone else will deal with the things that are less appealing or need to take a little extra effort.  I see this mostly at work, a clients hair tie is on the floor, staff walk by it. Food gets dropped on the floor, someone will get it- I have other things to do. 

But it isn't just at work, I see it out in the community and I even see it in my own home. Now, I'm not saying I'm perfect... there are days I don't pick up everything. I may take a shortcut or two- not sweep, dust or load the dishwasher everyday, but ultimately I'm the one who has to finish the job whenever I get around to it.  However, when I'm at work, others are watching Will at my house. They are teaching my son that it's ok to leave everything or somethings for 'someone else' (that someone else is inevitably me by the way). 

My parents taught me that a job worth doing is worth doing well and to the best of my ability.  Whether that is sweeping and mopping the floor at work, cooking and cleaning, or cleaning out a room or garage. It would never occur to me to do a half-hearted job. It would never occur to me to look at the job in hand and say to myself "ok, so that piece or dirt/trash/recyclable/item isn't mine so I refuse to do anything about it.  

It blows me away when people have a lazy attitude about these things. My biggest worry is that my son is going to learn by example that picking up after himself, homework, etc....whatever the case may be doesn't deserve his best effort. That someone will always be coming along behind him picking up the pieces. 

So, when someone is supposed to clean out the garage but refuses one piece of cardboard because it isn't their problem...I'm not going to pick a fight over it, but it does make me sad that my son isn't seeing someone put forth their best effort. I will throw away the cardboard, after all, it's only cardboard....

I can only hope that Will sees that there are those of us who are willing to work hard and do the whole job. Even if it's "not my problem", because really, we all live on this planet together and shouldn't we all be willing to help each other? Support each other?  Lift each other up when we are struggling and need help?  Just a thought.....