What a difference time makes

As you might be aware....last week was a hard one for me. I'm feeling so much better now.

Sometimes things change so fast, other times they are so gradual that we are unaware of the changes until we stop and look back to see the progress we've accomplished without even knowing we were accomplishing it at the time. And then there are times (at least for me) where it seems as if it happens both ways at the same time. That is what this last week has been like for me.

I met a great guy a while ago. Things took off quickly from the start. We talked till late into the night every night, laughed, learned about each other and while time was a premium, we managed to see each other fairly regularly. Then he wanted to slow things down, didn't want to follow his same old pattern. Made me feel like I was special enough to want to build a more solid relationship.

Then he started talking about other women, friends, and telling me how attractive they are, how they are attracted to him. Let me tell you, this really messed me up. I have a lot of insecurities left over from my marriage. I asked where "we" were: friends or more. He said more. I told him about my insecurities, he kept talking. I ended up losing my appetite, not drinking, crying all the time and severely depressed.

I spent a lot of time deep in thought. I talked with "the guy" a lot, and really listened to him and what he was saying, and "not saying". I spent the evening/night with him Friday night. (Completely platonically) he introduced me to his parents- very lovely people, with a beautiful dog. We went to the store, went back to his place and watched a great movie- ElizabethTown. The he got a phone call from a friend- he told me he was only going to talk for a few minutes. The call lasted 1&1/2 hours. When he ended the call he immediately got another call. That lasted well over an hour.

My real epiphany came when these phone calls didn't bother me overly much. I realized that while I care for him, I wasn't devastated he didn't want me. I think we are meant to be friends. I think we would have both been settling if we forged ahead with a romantic relationship.

I deserve a man who loves me for me. Who listens when I tell him of my insecurities and does everything in his power to minimize my fears. I deserve a man who wants to put my wants/desires/needs above his own. I don't want someone who always DOES this, it should be give and take, but I want a man who WANTS to.

Do I think I'll find this man? Right now if I'm honest, no. I don't think I'll ever find him. Tomorrow is another day, and maybe I'll feel differently then, but today my answer us no, and that's ok. I know I'm going to be fine. Whether I find him or not. I can make a good life for myself and my son. I can be happy by myself. That's not to say that I won't be lonely and sad at times, but I will be happy overall.

I think I wanted a relationship so badly that I threw myself into this relationship and ignored all the signs that it wasn't going to work.

So as I look back on the last week, it seems like things happened so quickly and slowly. I may want a relationship, but I now know what I want and deserve and I won't settle for less even if that means being alone.

When it rains

When it rains, sometimes it pours. If you don't know who and WHOSE YOU ARE, you will find yourself caught up in a storm. Always remember sometimes God calms the storm and sometimes He allows the storms to rage and calms HIS child.

We are called to HELP people, not judge them. Mercy is greater than judgement. James 2:13

This was the post I read on Facebook from an amazing, beautiful and grace-filled woman.

It really struck a cord with me. I mean deep down in my soul. How profound are these words?

I know I have struggled in the past and questioned my faith. Wondering where was GOD when the storms were raging all around me. And they have been raging.

Once I stopped putting up roadblocks in my relationship with GOD my whole perspective changed. Storms still raged around me, but I found a quiet place whenever it was really needed. I now recognize that this is where GOD has always been waiting for me. Ready to calm HIS child.

Now I am confident in myself and in my GOD. I am never truly alone. HE is with me ALWAYS.

I have found that the more I accept this and believe, the better my life is becoming. My attitude is different, my perspective, I feel "grace-filled".

I spent a long time thinking I needed to be so strong and do everything myself. I was even told many times that I can't count on anyone else to help me.

They were so WRONG! And I was too stubborn to see it. If I can count on no one else, I can ALWAYS count on GOD. HE is always with me.

As far as the verse goes, I think I've always done a good job trying to help others and to not judge others. I mean, who am I to judge you? I haven't lived your life, I haven't seen, felt, experienced what you have..... I don't have the right. I'm not perfect. I won't even pretend to be. Is it fair to judge me for my weight or my decisions when you don't live my life.

It's simple. Don't judge me please, because I wouldn't even think of judging you. That's not my job.

Have a wonderful night everyone.