Teach me Father.....

I feel the need to repeat my grandmothers prayer:

Teach me Father when I pray,
Not to ask for more,
But rather let me give my thanks
For what is at my door.
For food and drink
And gentle rain,
And sunny skies above.
For home a friends,
And peace and joy,
And most of all for Love.  Amen

Really needing to remind myself to be grateful for the important (and simple) things.  For that prayer I am grateful........

Will

So I had yesterday after school and all day today with Will.  Yesterday I was able to forget all the worry while we had fun.  It was such a great day.  Today was a little different.  We started by him crawling into bed with me at 4:45am.  We slept till 7:45 which was a first I think.  We played a little, had a snack and a mini meltdown because I wouldn't let him have what he wanted for morning snack, went to the library, then to the Children's Museum where Will actually put his hand in the tide pool tank and touched everything from a real live crab to a sea star, to a sea urchin and other things besides.  I was very proud of him for being so adventurous.  May not be a big deal for most kids, but for Will it was huge.  We've gone many times when it was open and this was the first time he willingly wanted to do it.  He wasn't sure about the crab at first, but when the lady in charge picked it up and it didn't "get her" he got more bold.  He also asked the face painter if she would paint stars on one hand and a rainbow on the other.  He got me to get a dragonfly and then decided it would go right on my forehead for all to see.  Yeah me.
We then came home for lunch, played a little more, then went grocery shopping. Had a larger meltdown while there- growling at me, very rude, stamping his feet- got home and continued the meltdown telling me I was mean to him= rushing him in the store, asking him too many questions ( i asked him what he wanted me to get for his lunches- that's it!)  I pointed out that I got him a dress-up outfit for him and a snack he wanted, but these did not prove that I am not mean to him.  His grandfather came over and played with him.  He had dinner, played on the computer too much, short bath and then bed.  We are pretty sure he's coming down with a cold which means a runny nose, a lot less sleep for both of us, and a cranky demeanor.
As you can see, I had a lot of moments throughout the day that were a lot of fun, and I did my best to enjoy them without holding on to the worry.  But those moments of meltdowns were terrifying to me.  Not because they were big (they weren't) but because now all I can wonder is "Is this the one that turns explosive and damages him psychologically?  Will his self-esteem be permanently damaged by this?  Should he already be in SP?  Am I making the right decision?  Am I being selfish?
How am I supposed to know what the best decision for Will is?  I'm terrified that whatever I do will be the catalyst for him being forever damaged.  Is this how any mom would feel faced with this situation?  Am I just completely over-reacting?  Am I putting off what needs to be done immediately?  Or am I putting myself and more importantly Will through something he should never go through?  I know parenting wouldn't be easy, but this is killing me.  Now that I've basically made the decision that he will eventually go to SH I keep second guessing myself about if it's right or if the timing is right.
I think I might be slightly neurotic.  You think?????

Better

So, I got off the comfy couch, I picked up my son from school.  This is the first time since the meeting I was able to spend any quality time with him.  I was worried that I wouldn't be able to appreciate the time.  I am so happy I was wrong.  We laughed, we giggled, we played together, went to Granny and Papa's and giggled there.  At least while I am falling apart on my own time I am able to enjoy the time I have with my son.  For that I am eternally grateful.  Thank you God.

Couch

My couch is my new best friend.  We have spent the last 2 days together.  I have slept, cried, zoned out watching tv, and eaten (things I shouldn't have) on my couch.  I don't want to move, I want to quit work and hide on my couch forever.  However, I realize that this is not an option for me.  I am off the couch at the moment (the only way I could blog about my beloved couch) getting ready to pick up my beautiful child from school in just under an hour.  Then we will have the rest of the day and all day tomorrow together.  I know he will want to do many things during this time, play games, we've already discussed going to the library and children's museum tomorrow, and maybe seeing Granny and Papa today.  We also have to go grocery shopping today too, as I was too busy being one with my couch all morning.  But all I really want to do is lay on the couch and snuggle/hug/kiss/ and be with my son.  I want to just be with him, but I know that, not only will he not want to do that because it's boring, but we  would both be missing out on all the great things we can be doing together.  He hasn't gone to SH yet, it hopefully won't be until the first of the year (if at all, a girl can hope can't she?) So why do I feel as if I'm losing him already?
Snap out of it already!  He's here, let's build memories that will hopefully get us both through the tough times ahead.  These are the words I'm trying to live by now, in this moment......

I also need to try to stop shutting my friends out.  I find that when in this depressive state I shut down, as I'm sure a lot pf people do when feeling this way.  I don't want to always complain when talking to friends, so I stop talking, I get very quiet when on the phone.  I need to find a way to be able to open my life up to people again without making it all about me and my problems.  I'm trying.....I'm a work in progress.......

Slept

I slept OK-ish last night, haven't been sleeping well for a while and with all this stuff with my anxiety and depression and then this decision about Will, it's been worse.  I got up in time to be dressed for Will to be dropped off after his overnight with his dad.  I got him off to school, then I laid down on the couch and rested/slept the day away until I had to get up for work at 2pm.
Is this bone-crushing fatigue I'm feeling from my MS?  Depression?  Total exhaustion? or a combination of any/all of them?  I don't know, probably a combination, just my luck.
I know that in some ways it feels like the decision about Will is already made.  We've done everything we can think of to keep him out of Spring Harbor and it's only scratching at the surface and dealing with the behaviors without teasing out the root cause/s.  So that means going there and having 24 hour care to help figure this out.  But every time I think about it, I start hyperventilating, I feel numb and tingly, and my vision blurs (and that's before I start crying, so I can't blame it on the tears).  Here's my problem, I don't trust anyone but me to truly take care of my son.  I know, I'm a bit of a control freak.  I have trust issues.  OK, I'm just plain messed up.  They don't love him, he's a job to them.  Let's be honest, it's a job.  Are they going to lay with him till he falls asleep?  Will they let him rub their fingernails as a way to self-soothe?  I doubt it.  And what if after the 50 days they don't have any answers?  Will they keep him longer?  How much longer?  Or even worse, what if they don't find the answers and then send him home and he went through that traumatizing experience for nothing?  How do I begin to get over that guilt?  I know, I know, I'm getting so far ahead of myself I can't even remember where I am.  But there it is.  I'm so afraid to have to put him in someone else s care and not have any control over what's being done to/for him.  Or who's working with him.  Is it someone who hates their job?  Only there for a paycheck? Burnt out and taking it out on the children?  Or will he get someone who genuinely cares for him and his well being?  I don't know, am I willing to take that risk?  I think I have to.  Then there's the question of how will I survive 50+ days without waking to see his beautiful face in the morning?  How will I go to bed without a smile, a hug, a giggle to get me through the lonely nights?
God, please give me the strength to do what is right for Will............please?

Still numb

So back to the meeting this morning:  When our case manager and the school social worker were talking about my son going to Spring Harbor for at least 50 days my whole body went numb and tingly.   I know they only have his best interests at heart and are concerned about him.  I really get that.  I do.
I am stuck, I don't know which way to go, and if I were to decide not to put him there for evaluation and to figure out what's going on- would I be doing that for selfish reasons?  I mean I really don't know how I'd be able to handle him not with me for so long.  I recently went to my brothers wedding, it was the longest I've ever been away from him.  I saw him Friday morning, and then again Sunday about noon.  Seriously that's the longest I've gone without seeing, kissing and/or hugging my son.  Will gives the best hugs.  And has the most beautiful personality and smile.  How can I go with not seeing that?  And how selfish am I for thinking that?
I don't trust others to watch my son, not even family completely.  IS this what it means to be a mother?  Or am I just that controlling? I still feel numb and tingly and it's over 13 hours after our appointment.  Part of it is that panicky fight or flight feeling too. Today I've come as close as I ever have to having a full blown panic attack.  It hits me when I least expect it, and all of a sudden I can't breathe or I am hyperventilating and cease to be able to function.  I need to sit down and talk with our case manager and go to Spring Harbor to meet some of the staff and have my questions answered.  Maybe then I will be able to figure out what's best for Will, without putting "my stuff" in the mix.  Dear God, please help me make the right decision for him, and please make it clearer for me.  Cause right now, I don't trust "them" to do right by my son.  Amen

Help!

So today I went to my bi-monthly meeting with Will's teacher, social worker and our case manager Jen.  There at the meeting it was brought up again about putting my lovely little boy in Spring Harbor for about 2 months.  My body went numb listening to them all agree that something that drastic was most likely needed.  I know they want the best for my son, I know that every time he has a breakdown there is more internal damage to his psyche, I know that he is getting bigger and stronger and therefore becoming that much harder to manage when out of control.  However, the idea of being away from my son for that long, I know I can visit etc... kills me.  No one can or will love him like I do.  No one can or will lay with him until he falls asleep, do all the idiosyncrasies that I do to help calm him down.  Is this the best choice for him?  Have we gotten to that point?  I have asked Jen to set up a time for her and I to talk more in depth about this idea- pros and cons - and to see if we can set up a tour of the facility and have my questions answered and hopefully my concerns calmed.  I don't know if it is best for him.  I know it isn't best for me.  I have to do what's best for him.  God give me the strength to see what's best for him and to follow through so that my son can have a childhood and be happy.  He deserves that and so much more...............I love him with all my heart.